Singledom rant. This = TMI.
Jan. 23rd, 2008 05:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tacitI've got a date tonight. It's my eleventy millionth first date. I've only ever been on three second dates, and those were with the only three men I've slept with. But first dates? Since I started Internet dating, I'm kinda prolific with those.
And they're awful.
Ok, so they make for fun stories afterwards. There's the guy who was clearly depressed and spent the entire date moaning, and then after I let him down gently, sent a dozen texts begging and saying how he wanted to 'emotionally understand' me. There was Paragraph Boy (intro, main, conclusion. Even for menu choices). There's the guy who turned up drunk and went on to get impressively wasted. I've been leched over, ranted at, ignored, groped, and cried at. And because I'm tired of being single, I continue to try. Don't get me wrong - I'm pretty picky, I only go out with men I think could work out and mostly it's a pleasant way to spend the evening. Great guys I don't fancy, or just a pleasant meal with someone who's nice enough. But do I have any enthusiasm for going out tonight? Not a bit. My brain knows it only take one great guy to turn it around, but the first-date-conditioning I've received so far has me kinda recoiling. Dates are so forced, you know? They can be like spouse-interviews, which I find sort of alarming.
Which brings me to the other guy I kinda have on the back burner. He's gorgeous. He wants 'fun without the other stuff'. I'm actually kinda ok with that - so long as I'm the only one he's having 'fun' with, and so long as he treats me with respect and friendship. I don't want to launch straight into a Relationship (capital R) - the last two boyfriends went from zero to insane in 2.4 seconds, and sent me mushy, clingy texts when I was still easing into the idea of not being single. I think it's a more natural evolution of a relationship to start out just for the fun of it - which ok, in this case could be sex, but sex is fun! - and move on to the deep emotional connection if and when it comes. I'm nervous about my selfesteem - if there's friendship along with the sex, I'm good. If he started showing up at my door at midnight expecting to get laid, it'd be over pretty quickly. But something between the two would reduce me to Extreme SMS Analysis, and paranoia.
My housemates think it's totally skeezy. I don't like to let their opinions matter so much but I work with C, so see her all day, and the two of them are my only close friends in this city. They're a big part of my life. They've been together for six years and neither has been single since they were teenagers. C thinks willies are repulsive and is grossed out and embarrassed by sex, and JJ has this fraternal, protective thing about me. They both think sex without love is awful. They have this romantic notion that first dates are awesome. Last time I slept with a guy, I had to give JJ the madonna/whore lecture - because, seriously three guys, ever. I'm 25. Sex is allowed! But - ugh. Some support would be nice.
I'm fed up of the whole fucking palaver. I'm so unlikely to meet a guy in RL it's untrue. I go entire weeks seeing just C and J because my career is really isolated and exhausting. And after work, I'm lazy, okay? I'd actually rather do the bizarre dating thing than join up a load of clubs that'd eat up what little free time I have.
What do you think? a) Dates, b) Sex or c) Surrender to my lonely fate. Maybe get a cat.
Where is Mr Right? Disney PROMISED!
And they're awful.
Ok, so they make for fun stories afterwards. There's the guy who was clearly depressed and spent the entire date moaning, and then after I let him down gently, sent a dozen texts begging and saying how he wanted to 'emotionally understand' me. There was Paragraph Boy (intro, main, conclusion. Even for menu choices). There's the guy who turned up drunk and went on to get impressively wasted. I've been leched over, ranted at, ignored, groped, and cried at. And because I'm tired of being single, I continue to try. Don't get me wrong - I'm pretty picky, I only go out with men I think could work out and mostly it's a pleasant way to spend the evening. Great guys I don't fancy, or just a pleasant meal with someone who's nice enough. But do I have any enthusiasm for going out tonight? Not a bit. My brain knows it only take one great guy to turn it around, but the first-date-conditioning I've received so far has me kinda recoiling. Dates are so forced, you know? They can be like spouse-interviews, which I find sort of alarming.
Which brings me to the other guy I kinda have on the back burner. He's gorgeous. He wants 'fun without the other stuff'. I'm actually kinda ok with that - so long as I'm the only one he's having 'fun' with, and so long as he treats me with respect and friendship. I don't want to launch straight into a Relationship (capital R) - the last two boyfriends went from zero to insane in 2.4 seconds, and sent me mushy, clingy texts when I was still easing into the idea of not being single. I think it's a more natural evolution of a relationship to start out just for the fun of it - which ok, in this case could be sex, but sex is fun! - and move on to the deep emotional connection if and when it comes. I'm nervous about my selfesteem - if there's friendship along with the sex, I'm good. If he started showing up at my door at midnight expecting to get laid, it'd be over pretty quickly. But something between the two would reduce me to Extreme SMS Analysis, and paranoia.
My housemates think it's totally skeezy. I don't like to let their opinions matter so much but I work with C, so see her all day, and the two of them are my only close friends in this city. They're a big part of my life. They've been together for six years and neither has been single since they were teenagers. C thinks willies are repulsive and is grossed out and embarrassed by sex, and JJ has this fraternal, protective thing about me. They both think sex without love is awful. They have this romantic notion that first dates are awesome. Last time I slept with a guy, I had to give JJ the madonna/whore lecture - because, seriously three guys, ever. I'm 25. Sex is allowed! But - ugh. Some support would be nice.
I'm fed up of the whole fucking palaver. I'm so unlikely to meet a guy in RL it's untrue. I go entire weeks seeing just C and J because my career is really isolated and exhausting. And after work, I'm lazy, okay? I'd actually rather do the bizarre dating thing than join up a load of clubs that'd eat up what little free time I have.
What do you think? a) Dates, b) Sex or c) Surrender to my lonely fate. Maybe get a cat.
Where is Mr Right? Disney PROMISED!
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no subject
Date: 2008-01-23 09:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-23 11:38 pm (UTC)Yep, that's my lovelife, right there in a sentence. I just... how do I find them?!
You know, I think you're right. I'm glad you think that combining dates and sex is fair, it's nice to get an opinion besides the mild revulsion of my darling housemates. He knows what the deal is, and so long as I remain serially monogomous I feel fine about it. It's better than fine - it's efficient! I like efficient.
I'm gonna contact the gorgeous 'fun' guy (henceforth known as PWP guy) tomorrow, when I haven't had a couple of glasses of wine. Yep. Time to satisfy some sinful urges.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 05:54 am (UTC)I dated some wackos in college. It actually got so bad I took my entire junior year off dating. I went on a hiatus. After "I talk to god through my teddy bear and teddy doesn't like you" guy and "I'm going to sleep with your RA and then tell the entire dorm I'm breaking up with you, before I dump you!" guy who came after "I know you are going to break up with me, so I'm leaving and just not telling you!" guy. There was also the guy who had never dated a girl before, and the one whose mom bought all of his clothing still (in the wrong size - he was also teddy bear boy). ::shudders:: yeah, there are some wackados out there.
Good luck!
no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 10:05 am (UTC)Wow. Is it bad to be glad of your dating misfortune? It isn't just me! Sometimes I forget that, living with the happy couple.
I'm gonna get back to PWP Guy. Screw virtue.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-27 05:34 am (UTC)Good luck!
no subject
Date: 2008-01-27 12:49 pm (UTC)...about to snap and find some way to erase most of the male population from the planet
Snap? No. Sulk? Absolutely.
Thanks for the encouragement, though. I've been a bit pathetic about it the last couple of days - it sucks that I hate the process but want the result so much. People should just magically get assigned their perfect significant other at age 21, and spare us all this nonsense. Right? Right.