tacit | How has Hollywood failed you?

Guys, I am seriously considering writing an airport rom-com novel. But... you know, a cynical one.

I've been mulling it over for a week or two, and have written down snatches that interrupted my attempts to sleep. I've spent the last couple of hours plotting it out. If I do this, it won't be autobiographical per se, but... given all the awful dates I've been on, the short-lived relationships I've had, and all the emails I've had from match.com, I've practically written it already. The premise would be how we all grow up expecting to find The One at the appropriate time and live happily ever after - I know, not really a novel novel idea, but bear with me. How, Hollywood would have us believe that nobody ever gets a cramp during sex, or is struck by mundane thoughts when they're supposed to be in the throes of passion. Occasionally, there are Mishaps With Jizz. You either like, fancy or respect a guy - but almost never all three. People get poked in uncomfortable places. Snogging gets tedious. Dating is not always fun; sex is not always good. You lose touch with attractive men because of scheduling conflicts. Some people never fall in love.

Here's what I want to know. What have you grown up to be disappointed with? What did Hollywood promise you? I'm at the brainstorming stage. Silly, serious... anything and everything welcome.

ETA: And, if you have any chronically single people on your flist (besides me), maybe you could point them over to here? Thanks!

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*puts hand up*

I'm chronically single, but I don't have any dating misadventures because I don't have any dating.

I think that the easy availability of people to date is one of the ways in which Hollywood has LIED. Where does everyone else find their dates? Because I've got to say, I do not run into them at random in the street, or at the shops. Or at work, parties, nights out or living next door.

Lies, I tells ya. LIES!

There's disagreement, I know, about the entire premise that you will have enormous sexy fun with people you don't know very well. Possibly I have not tried hard enough on this front, but generally I find it an awkward falsehood! (But then, I have a nerd boyfriend now. Apparently what's required for me is five years of failed flirtation followed by IM bravado! With the same person! I can tell you some funny stories about this one, oh buddy.)

On an entirely different note, I never remember to compliment icons, and that icon makes me so happy.

Oh, I agree! It creeps me out - they're either really earnest and trying to act like they're in a porno, or tentative and practically apologetic. Give me the dumb in-jokes and comfortable fun any day. The most appallingly bad sex I've ever had was with the guy I knew the least well. It was excruciatingly awkward - half way through and I was seriously considering excuses for stopping.

I love funny romance-gone-wrong stories! Hence the subject matter of this novel thingy idea.

I wants me a nerd boyfriend! Where can I get me one of those? They're all in hiding.

I can't take credit for the icon, I snurched it from

aryas_zehral. I love it, too!

There was just a thread about the merits and flaws of the "hook-up" at Pandagon.net and several commenters said the most empowering thing they ever did was call it quits midway and make the guy put his pants on and leave. Because seriously, they said, were they really just supposed to lie there like a plank of wood for another ten minutes?

That made me think.

I got mine in college, which seems to be the last place intelligent people live nearby and have a lot of free time. This is why most of my female professors told me to choose a life mate in graduate school, I guess.

the most empowering thing they ever did was call it quits midway and make the guy put his pants on and leave.

Ooooh, I like this! Maybe not for me in RL - I think I've learnt my lesson about not getting to that stage - but for fiction?? AWESOME!

What's pandagon? I just had a peek, but what's the unifying point to link to posts? Other than 'We hate that nutjob Palin'?

I've considered enrolling in classes for... something. Spanish maybe? But I am just too broke to do it right now. But, I could go stalk campus. Maybe on days right after a big rugby/cricket match - I need to find out where the players go. This is a good plan (and not at all stalkerish). I like it.

I like the idea. Cynical! And written by you! I'd buy it. I want to buy it. Hell, I want to beta it :-)
Though I'm pretty sure that a lot of my Hollywood-induced dreams were shattered, I can't pinpoint anything down except, you know, what you said? (I suspect I might need a shrink for further investigation.) Er, and you might have depressed me here. A little.

Sorry! Here, have a cute puppy. (Reading the post back has actually kind of depressed me.) :) I'd tell you I'd write a happy ending... but I think that would rather defeat the point of the story. I do plan for it to not be depressing though, as that would rather defeat the point as well. Empowering, that's what I'm going for! We may be single, but we rock.

And I will totally be whining at you week after week, if I end up committing myself to doing this. which, I do quite want to do. But... me and finishing stuff? Erk.

And it is NOT autobiographical. IT'S NOT. But it keeps popping onto the page in 1st person. Is that a deal-breaker for you in published fic, or just fanfic? Inquiring minds want to know.

Awww!! Dex is so cute! Thanks! He really helps! *g*

Hey, whine at me all you want, and I'll vow to kick your ass until you finish! Deal?

The POV is a deal breaker for me, actually. If I open a book at the store and it's 1st person POV throughout, there's a 90 percent chance I'm not going to buy it. (I have NO IDEA where this aversion comes from.)

But that's just me, anyway. And it wouldn't keep me from wanting to beta it!

Ass kicking will be very much required! ♥

(Dex is not that little and cute anymore - he's a 20 kilo brute! Ok... he's still a bit cute.)

Edited 2008-10-02 21:26 (UTC)

Occasionally, there are Mishaps With Jizz.

This should be your title, yes?

Hollywood promised me that I could do absolutely nothing, not venture into the world, and somehow someone (the perfect someone) would still find me and say 'yes, her, she's the one for me'.

Yes! Seriously, that one's a stinker. I think I was 22 or 23 before I realised it didn't work that way - by which point all the good ones were taken. Of course, pre 22/23 I was still a fucktard in many and various ways, so it might not have made a difference. But, still! Fucking Hollywood.

Also, Hollywood had me half-convinced that I could go out into the world on dates in a shitty mood and expect the guys to simultaneously brighten my week and fall for me. But no. Sadly untrue.

This should be your title, yes?

You know, I've just gone and changed the working title. Because yes. YES IT SHOULD. (For now, at least.)

You know, I've just gone and changed the working title. Because yes. YES IT SHOULD.

\o/ No matter what you end up calling it, this is how I'll always think of it:)

How has Hollywood failed you?

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